Roshdi Sarraj

الصحفي صانع الأفلام رشدي السراج، زوجي. The journalist and filmmaker Roshdi al-Sarraj was my husband. قبل أن يكون زوجي، هو صديقي. But before he was my husband, he was my friend. اشتغلت معه تقريبا سنتين ونصف. I worked with him for about two and a half years. كان حدا جدا مهني. He was extremely skilled and professional. أخلاقه جدا عالية، رائع. He was well-mannered, amazing. مبدع في عمله. He excelled in his work. هذه من الأشياء اللي كثير لفتت انتباهي فيه كشخص. That is what drew me to him as a person and as a journalist. كصحفي، عنده مبادئ جدا قوية وجميلة. He had strong, beautiful principles. ولاحقا، يعني هي جمعتنا الصحافة وفرّقتنا الصحافة. In the end, it was journalism that brought us together, and it was journalism that separated us, too. لاحقا ارتبطنا، وصار عنا طفلة صغيرة اسمها دانية. We became partners and had a child together, a little girl named Dania.

رشدي، لما بدأت الحرب، كنا خارج غزة في رحلة عمل. When the war started, Roshdi and I were outside Gaza on a work trip. وأول ما بدأت الحرب، رشدي أول شيء قاله انه: As soon as the war began, the first thing he said was, «إحنا هلأ لازم نروح لغزة». “We have to go back to Gaza.” يعني، كنسلنا كل شي ورجعنا على غزة. So we cancelled everything and returned to Gaza. كان رافض إني أنا أرجع، أنا وبنتنا. He was totally against our daughter and me going back with him. ولكن طبعا أكيد، ما كان فيني، ما كان فيه مجال إني اتركه. But of course it was just out of the question to think that I would leave him. فرجعنا مع بعض. So we went back together.

شعوره كصحفي، شعوره كشخص من هذه الأرض ولهذه الأرض، For him, as a journalist and someone from this land and of this land, خلّاه انه ما يتردد انه يرجع. there could be no hesitation about going back. وما فكر وما، يعني… ما أخذ الموضوع معه تفكير ربع ساعة. He didn’t even take fifteen minutes to think about it. كان مقرّر انه لازم نرجع، ولازم نلغي كل الشغل اللي إحنا مسافرين له وأنا عم أشاركه هذه المبادئ. He was absolutely resolute that we should cancel our work plans and the trip and return, and I agreed. يعني، ما كان عندي تردد في العودة. I did not have any hesitations about going back either.

رشدي، الصحفي اللي الكل بيشهد له انه هو خدوم، دائما يساعد الجميع. Roshdi, the journalist who was known to be giving, always wanting to help everyone around him. ما عمره ردّ أي حدا من الصحفيين. He never said no to any of his colleagues. دائما فاتح باب شركته، اللي هي شركة عين ميديا اللي أسسها مع زميله الشهيد أيضا ياسر مرتجى. He kept the door open at his company, Ain Media, which he founded with his colleague Yaser Murtaja, who was also martyred. ما بعرف إذا في كلمات ممكن توفي رشدي. I don’t know if there are words that can do justice to Roshdi, توفي مكانته عندي تحديدا كشروق، that can do justice to the place he held in my life ومكانته عند الناس اللي لهلأ عم يذكروه. or the place he held in the lives of others who continue to remember him and speak about him. مع انه رشدي استشهد بعد ما رجعنا على غزة تقريبا بعشر أيام، عشر أيام أو أسبوعين. They remember him even though he was martyred just ten days or two weeks after we returned to Gaza.

كمان رشدي حكى مقولة من أشهر المقولات اللي لهلأ الناس عم ترددها جوا وبرا. Roshdi also said something that is repeated often now, here and elsewhere. لما الجيش لأول مرة خبّر وأعطى أوامر عن النزوح من الشمال إلى الجنوب. This was when occupation forces, for the first time, ordered people to evacuate from the North to the South. يومها رشدي نزّل بوست على السوشيال ميديا انه: That day, Roshdi posted on social media: «لن نرحل... “We will not leave… سنبقى في غزة... We will remain in Gaza… حنرحل إلى السماء فقط». We will leave only for the sky.” والمقولة أخذت انتشار واسع جدا، حتى في كتير بيقولوا انه هو استشهد بسبب مقولته، يعني، انه هو شجّع الناس على البقاء. The post was circulated very widely, so much so that many people say that he was targeted and killed because of it, because he was encouraging people to stay. أو ما بعرف بالضبط، يعني I don’t know if that’s exactly what happened. أنا ما بقدر أقول لك شو اسباب انه تم استهدافه، بس يعني في البعض بيقولوا انه هذا هو السبب . I can’t tell you why he was targeted, but many do think that that was the reason.

رشدي هو الصديق الحبيب القريب. Roshdi is my most beloved and closest friend. أنا ما كنت دائما أقول عنه زوجي، I didn’t always call him my husband. كنت أقول عنه «my best friend»، لانه دائما بشعر انه هو أقرب من أي شيء ثاني. I used to call him my best friend because I always felt that he was the closest to me, more than anyone else. لانه مش كل الأزواج، يعني، ناس حبّابة. Not all spouses love each other. فرشدي كان غير Roshdi was different. فأنا ما كنت أناديه زوجي، كنت أخاف أقلّل من قيمته. I didn’t want to use the word husband because I didn’t want to diminish how much he meant to me. وكنت دائما أقول انه »هذا my »best friend. So I used to always say, “He is my best friend.” انه قديش علاقتنا كثير close. How close our relationship was, كان مراية، يعني so close that he was like my mirror image. كوني صحفية زيه، صانعة أفلام كمان زيه، ما حسّيت عمري انه هو بحجّمني I was a journalist and filmmaker like him, but I never in my life felt any competition with him. أو بقزّمني أو يحدّدني بأشياء. Or like he was overshadowing or limiting me in any way. بالعكس، دائما يعطيني المساحة انه أنجز شغلي. On the contrary, he always gave me space to accomplish my work.

هو يساعد في البيت، يساعد في دانية. He also helped around the house and with Dania. كثير بكون بيقول لي انه : «بلا ما تطبخي، بلا ما نعمل أكل، بنجيب جاهز». He often told me, “There’s no need to cook today. Why don’t we just order food?” كثير بيعنيلي كان هذا الكلام لما كان يقول لي اياه، انه: It really meant a lot to me when he said this, when he would say, «عندك شغل اليوم ومش فاضية وضغط عليك». “You’ve had a long work day, and you’re under a lot of pressure with no spare time.” ودائما كنت أرفض، لانه بقول له دائما انه: But I used to refuse because, as I always told him, «أنا لما أعمل لك أكل بعمله with love. “When I make you food, I’m doing it with love. يعني، بكون كتير مبسوطة انه عم بطعميك شي، انه أنا بحب اطعميك. I’m really happy when I get to feed you something. ما بهون علي تاكل شي من برا ويوجع معدتك أو يضايقك». Besides, I don’t love seeing you eat takeout, when I know it will hurt your stomach or make you not feel well.” لانه شوي عنده حساسية من الأكل اللي من برا Because he was a bit sensitive to fast food.

فمن الأشياء اللي كثير أنا فخورة فيها انه الناس لسه عم تذكره وعم تحكي عنه، عم تتذكره وعم تحكي مواقف. One thing I’m really proud of is the way that people still remember and mention Roshdi and tell stories about him. عم بتعرّف عليه بزيادة من كلام الناس. I keep learning about him through other people’s recollections. يعني، احنا تزوجنا فترة ارتباطنا كانت بالضبط سنتين ونص. We were married, and our relationship lasted exactly two and a half years. وقبل سنتين ونص كنت بعرفه في العمل سنتين ونص. Before that, I had known him through work for two and a half years. فدائما بسمع عنه، ودائما بتفاجأ. I hear people talking about him all the time, and I’m still surprised to learn new things. كل يوم بسمع شي جديد. Every day I learn something new. وبتفاجأ وبحس قديش انه أنا كثير فخورة. And as I listen, I’m surprised, and I just feel how much… I just feel so proud. إني أنا كان حظي أحسن بني آدم في العالم يعني. I was so lucky because he was just the best person in the world.

رشدي كان يستاهل يعيش، كان يستاهل بنته تضلها معه تتذكره. Roshdi deserved to live, to be with his daughter and stay with her, and for her to remember him. هو استشهد وبنته عمرها ١١ شهر. She was 11 months old when he was martyred. للأسف، يعني، ما راح تقدر تتذكر ملامحه إلا من الصور. Unfortunately that means she’s not going to be able to remember how he looked, except through pictures. كمان هو لما استشهد، أو قبل ما يستشهد، سمّى طفلتنا بالتوافق «دانية» عشان دائما تكون، Before he was martyred, he named our daughter, by agreement, Dania, so that she would always be, زي ما حكى يومها لما ولدت: «دانت نحو قلبينا». as he said the day she was born, “drawn close to our hearts.” فكانت دانية، وهي تكون قريبة منا. So she was Dania, very dear and close to us. Close to daddy’s heart, to mommy’s heart… Close to daddy’s heart, to mommy’s heart… but what’s devastating, she’s no longer close to daddy’s heart, or even his face… but what’s so devastating is she’s no longer close to daddy’s heart, or even his face…

قديش هو كان متعلق بفكرة انه بده يكون أب. He was so committed and attached to being a father. فكرة انه كان بيتعامل معها كقطعة فنية. He treated Dania like a work of art. كنت بفكر انه هو بيتعامل معي كقطعة فنية. I used to think, “He treats me like a work of art.” إلا أن جاءت دانية فلا، But then Dania came along and I thought, في قطعة فنية أثمن مني “Ah, here’s a work of art even more precious than I am.”

[Sound of Dania in the background.] Yes, mommy, I’m here. [sound of Dania in the background] Yes mommy, I’m here.

رشدي، من قديش بيحبنا... قبل ما يتم استهدافه بلحظات، يعني، صار حزام ناري في المنطقة عنا. Roshdi loved us so much that… Just moments before he was martyred, there was heavy fire in our area. كان واقف جنبي. He was standing beside me. وكنت ماسكة ايده، I was holding on to his arm, وحملت طفلتنا بيدي الثانية. and I held our daughter with my other arm. كان القصف، صوته عم بيقرب، عم يشتد The bombing was getting closer and intensifying, يعني احنا حاسين انه هو قاعد بقرب القصف علينا. and we started to feel like we might be struck at any moment. بلحظات، هيك ثواني، اتحرك من جنبي، وقف قدامي. And then, in an instant, he jumped from my side and stood in front of me. وفتح إيديه هيك، أعطانا shield، أعطانا درع، حمانا، He opened his arms to make a shield for us, to protect us. خلال ثواني. It all happened within seconds. أنا تفاجأت، لسه كنت عم بقول له، عم بحط إيدي على كتفه، عم أقول له: I was shocked, and I reached out to put my hand on his shoulder, saying, «شو عم تعمل انت يعني؟» “What are you doing?!” أنا مستغربة، يعني. I was totally caught off guard. فخلال ثواني كان تم استهدافنا، ورشدي أخذ كل الضربة. Within seconds, we were targeted, and Roshdi took the entire blow. أنا فعليا ما صار فيني ولا شيء. I was completely unharmed; nothing happened to me. بنتي ولا شيء. Nothing happened to my daughter. وتم استهدافه بصاروخين. He was struck by two missiles.

ولكن الفكرة انه ما بعرف، هي تقادير ربنا طبعا. I don’t understand how it happened — I mean, it was surely God’s will. ولكن رشدي صدّ كل شي، يعني، But Roshdi took the hit fully. He blocked all of it. حتى تعرف قديه عم بحكي هيك. It really just shows you what kind of person he was. عم بحكي هيك لتشوف قديه انه كان حبّه كتير نقي. I mean, you can see how pure he was, كثير تقي، how righteous, كتير شفاف. how authentic. لدرجة فكّر انه ممكن يكون فيه أذية النا، فوقف قدامنا ليحمينا. To the extent that when he thought there was something that might hurt us, he stepped in front of us to protect us.

فما بعرف… I don’t know… يعني، رشدي من الناس اللي ما بتتكرر أبدا، ما بتتكرر. I mean, Roshdi is one of those people who’s just one of a kind, someone you’ll never come across again, ever. كثير شفاف، كثير، He was so, so authentic. يعني، كنت دائما أقول له: «انه انت كثير متربي. إنت كثير، يعني، أهلك كثير ربوك، يعني، ربوك أكثر من مرة. I always told him, “You are so well-raised, it’s as if your parents raised you more than once. قديشك كتير مهذب، وقديشك خلوق ومحترم.» You are so polite, so decent and respectful, and so creative.” عنده إبداع كبير مبدع جدا في مجاله. He excelled in his field. مشهور عند العرب وعند الأجانب كثير، كثير، كثير. He was famous among Arabs and also very, very well known among foreigners.

ما بعرف شو في كمان ممكن أقول لك اياها. I don’t know what else to tell you about him. أوكي، مثلا، في عنا love language. Okay, for example, we had a love language. كانت انه : «بعمل لك قهوة»، يعني، أو شيء زي هيك. Our love language was things like, “Let me make you coffee” or little things like that. فانه بكون انه بده يروح على البيت، فيقول لي انه حيروح قريبا، فيقول لي انه: So if I was going home without him, or he was going back ahead of me, he would tell me, «ما تشربي قهوة اليوم». “Don’t drink coffee without me.” أو: «استنيني نشرب مع بعض. Or he’d say “Wait for me so we can drink coffee together. بدي أعمل لك اياها». I want to be the one to make it for you.” فيروح يعمل لي اياها، حتى لو كنا مثلا، مثلا، متخانقين شوية. So he’d go and make it for me, even if we were maybe having a bit of a disagreement. وبتعرف، بتصير انه الواحد يتخانق. You know, people argue sometimes — بيعمل لي اياها حتى لو متخانقين، يقول لي، but he would still make it for me. Even when we bickered, he’d say, «بعرف إنك ما شربتي بدوني»، يعني، فيعمل لي اياها حتى لو متخانقين، يعني. “I know you didn’t have coffee without me,” and he’d still make it for me. فدائما كانت، يعني So this was always a thing. حتى مرة بقول له: «,You didn’t tell me ‘I love you today» Once, I said to him, “You didn’t tell me ‘I love you’ today,” And he responded with,«I fixed you a cup of coffee, and he responded with, “I fixed you a cup of coffee.” This is the love language between us.» This is the love language between us.

وأنا بعز علي. This is very hard for me. بحاول قد ما أقدر انه أنا لا أتكلم في الـpast tense، في الفعل الماضي عن رشدي. I try as much as I can not to talk about Roshdi in the past tense. لانه حرام، كثير حرام، كتير حرام حدا زيه ينحكى عنه بالماضي. Because it’s just so awful, truly it’s so egregious and wrong to talk about someone like him in the past tense… لهيك أنا كتير بيخطر لي انه عن جد، يعني، كان... It always occurs to me — I mean, he really was… كانت دانية طفلتنا تستاهل انه تعرف باباها. Dania, our daughter, deserved to know her baba. تستاهل تعيش بين باباها وبين أمها. She deserves to live surrounded by both of us, both her baba and her mother.

عيد ميلادها الأول... Her first birthday… يعني احنا لما سافرنا كان من ضمن الخطة انه احنا نجيب هدايا، «collection» أشياء، When we traveled, we planned to bring home souvenirs, a collection of gifts, عشان لما نعمل عيد ميلادها الأول نعطي أشياء تذكارية وحلوة، هدايا للضيوف، so that at her first birthday, we could give the guests keepsakes and beautiful things انه هذه من دانية في عيد ميلادها الأول الكم. as little tokens for them from Dania on her first birthday. فعليا صار انه ، يعني، في أول ما سافرنا، كان النا خمس أيام مسافرين، وجبنا شوية أشياء. So we actually got a few things during our five-day trip. بهتم كان بهاي التفاصيل بهتم. He really cared about the little things. يعني، كيف أقول لك؟ How can I explain this to you? بمشي معي، بمشي معي. He really walked alongside me. بستوعبني. He really understood me. فبهتم بهذه الأشياء. He was very caring and considerate. كان انه أي شيء، أي شيء اله دخل بالعطاء، انه طلع من هذا البيت، مني ومن دانية. Anything that had to do with giving things away, from me, him, or Dania — هذا الشيء كتير هو يفرحه، يعني، وبيعمله من قلبه. it was something he truly took pride in, with all his heart. ورشدي حدا كان جدا خدوم للناس. Roshdi was just one of those people that truly loved being of service to people لدرجة انه كتير ناس بيقولوا لي انه، to the point that so many people would tell me, «أنا لولا رشدي كان ما، ما ساعدني بكذا كذا...». “If it weren’t for Roshdi’s help with this or that…” بتفاجأ انه قديه كان يعمل خير هون وهون، وقديه كان، I’m surprised all the time by how much good he was able to do in so many places. وما كان يحكي، And he never talked about what he was doing لانه هو شخص كثير شفاف، يعني هو يعني عن جد يعني، هو تقي نقي. because he was a very sincere person, truly pious and pure.

ما بيحكي لانه شايف هاي الأشياء ما بيعملها لحتى يورجي يعني، أو لحتى يعرض ويستعرض. He didn’t talk about the things he did because he didn’t do them to show off. يعني، نسأل الله انه كل شيء عمله عم بيشوف أضعافه من الخير في الجنة، يا رب. We ask God to multiply all these good deeds and blessings for him in paradise. والله يهونها؛ الله يهونها. May God ease this trial; may God ease it. ما في طفل بيستاهل يخسر أبوه. No child deserves to lose their father. ما في طفل في العالم بيستاهل يعيش اليُتم، خصوصا لما يكون والده حدا زي رشدي. There is no child in the world that deserves to live without a father, especially when their father is someone like Roshdi.